Not for You – March 2006

It wasn't the messenger tone that made me catch my breath, it was the name in the notification window.  I found myself staring at the notification, completely still, not even breathing.  The window sank into the system tray and I exhaled.

16 months nearly to the day since I last saw him......
14 months since the last time I got a text message from him......

I had been successful in surpressing all thought of him for nearly 10 months when the window popped up and invaded my screen.  I had finally accepted the fact that he wasn't going to call or answer my calls; email or answer my emails... As I pondered the notification window, I had a momentary revelation that I had even gone days at a time without his face
running through my head or remembering how great we were when we were a "we". Why now? Could he sense my withdrawal? Did it suddenly dawn on him that the status messages on my Messenger were not meant for him?  Did he wonder about the man I was giving my x's and o's to?  Was he afraid he might actually be losing me this time?

After the window sinks away into the system tray, I regain my clarity.  I know that he does not want me - because he doesn't... it's that he loves me to love him and he doesn't want to lose the coast line I allow him to navigate from, the safety net I provide him with when he starts to get nervous about another gig in another far away country.

He builds his self confidence at the expens of mine... but not anymore!

I know I am supposed to do the girl thing, the submissive thing, and IM him.  Inquire about his health, his success, his manlihood.  But I just don't have the energy.  For the first time in my adult life, I can not think of a single thing to say to him, and don't care to come up with anything witty.   I think about the possibilities and I am overwhelmed with a feeling of apathy.  Because I just don't care.  For the first time since coming back to California, I can say I don't care.

The very thought of allowing him access to the intimacies of my true self is frightening.  I just can not give up me to be loved by him.  I don't even want to be his friend, that's how far I've come in nearly 2 years.

About the only pang of sadness I feel when recalling those days is for 1k.  How much does that really say about the deph of my emotion?

My need to hide from him outweighs my desire to communicate with the cute engineer, and so I change settings and I cease the status messages.   Or am I just continuing to wait........