Cali-fornication - December 2006

Cali Fornication

or

The Rumors of my Crisis are Greatly Exaggerated

I spent 4 days camping in the desert. Since I got back to the city, I can not keep my hands clean. I find myself in the kitchen sink or the bathroom with soap and hot water at least 5-7 times a day.

For the past 7 years, I have sat on the edge and committed to nothing or no one. I spent a lot of time dancing with religion and the sacred union, the divine feminine and the balance with patriarchal archetypes. I dove right into witchcraft – 90 days to be exact – right after Gran died. I remained in a loveless marriage with a man  I had grown to hate. I used distance as a shield against life.

The funniest thing about all this is the action – trigger event – which began the beginning. Michael. Crazy huh?  When we got married, I tried to do it through the Catholic Church. I went through all the machinations, the required classes, etc and so on, and even had my baptismal, confessional, communion and confirmation certificates collected and documented.

It was only a few years (about 2) after the ironically labeled Father Vatican refused to allow Michael and I to marry in the Catholic Church that I became ill and had the Angel in the Bathroom.

The Angel. That was quite the experience, and I learned very quickly that it is not considered socially acceptable to go around telling people that you talk to angels.

At least if you say you're a witch it's easier to play off as a non-conformist, slightly crazy... the woman who is just a little touched.

Which brings to me the point of this blog. The "crisis of faith" everyone is so concerned about, the move across the desert my close friends are so stunned over.

First, the move. Well there's not much to say. Las Vegas is a booming town and I have a better chance at starting over there than I do anywhere else. I have a group of good friends for support. Yes, salaries are lower in Vegas but so is the cost of living. I have been trying to get out of California since 2001 when I started interviewing in New York and Chicago. It's just time.

The physical move is going to be difficult. Saying goodbye is really hard. Since the return from my stay on the moon…. Very very few of you on my list of friends truly knows what that means and the time period I am referring to. It's pre 2003, so that narrows the list pretty significantly. The bottom line is that the only reason I survived the surgery – that time when you all were called to the hospital to say good bye – was because Michael forced his will and presence for access to the magic of modern medicine. Only Michael could have navigated through the bureaucracy of the Health Insurance business process.

So I have come to the conclusion that he taught me what I needed to learn to manage this damned endometriosis or whatever it has morphed into now. The price we paid was our marriage. I hated him in the end. There are pieces of me that despise him to this day. I can not, however, truly hate him fairly without acknowledging that he saved my life.

In the end, the very reason I despise him led to the introduction into my life the one woman who made sure my diet coke was stored in the fridge and my clothes were hung up. I guess that's the irony of life. If it had not been for Mike finally accepting the recommendation of a cleaning lady, because I steadfastly refused to clean the bathroom, from his mistress, I never would have met Sheila.

The funny part is that Mike had intended for one, maybe max 3 times Sheila would clean the house. No. Sheila and I became friends fast, and she came every week. At the time I had no idea, and it was only years later as I pieced together the bits of information I had, that I realized she had given Mike her cleaning lady's number. Mike, trying to shut me up, gave me the number. Now everyone understands why Mike hated Sheila so very much.

As I look back, when I moved from Palm Ave, in 2000, I should have left California then. I don't remember why I stayed, maybe I believed the job I had would turn around. I don't remember now why I stayed but I did.

When Mike moved back in with me in 2001, we were supposed to move to Chicago. Of course that never happened. Again, I should have just gone by myself. I should have just said done. But again, I stayed.

I keep trying to leave LA and to leave California. Somehow, something always stops me. Now, 7 years since the return from my stay on the moon, it's down to the wire and time for me to go North.

So that brings us to the pool and the waterfall – which is an entirely different blog.

As for the "crisis of faith", well it's not a crisis. It's more of a ….. an awakening I guess you could say. My faith is not in crisis. What I believe and my relationship with the Divine is just fine. (Please refer to above looney bin statements on Angels).

I am walking away from the Pagan and Wiccan "path" specifically. I completely respect the Gardnerians and the Roebucks, and the Seax … as they were 40 years ago. Today it's a bunch of white trash mixed with absolutely nutty nit wits and most of all….. Dumb! (Kris, honey, that was my gift to you, you can stop giggling now.)

Of the few people I have met who are worthy of any respect in the path are much older Elders from back east, and a select handful of people I could honestly call friends who are local. Other than that, every single person I have met who labels themselves Pagan or Wiccan is just fake. I think Hollywood has a close rival for most saccharine community. And there you have it – Hollywood Pagans. Of course, those of you who have known me a very long time (and you know who you are) have spent time laughing about these very subjects.

Someone emailed me recently and made the comment "In this world of liars and dysfunctional people.." and I nearly fell off my chair from laughing. Really? You don't say? The Pagan Community might be filled with liars and dysfunctional people? Get outta here!!

I am done trying to lead anyone anywhere. Let me re-phrase that: Unless I am getting paid to lead a team to a specific goal, I am done leading voluntarily. And from what I've seen, there is no one I am interested in "following".

I have found a group of friends who very impressively follow a motto I picked up at a John Wells camping ritual: "Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend"

I am more interested in walking beside them to see what comes next.

Because as Animaul said 3 years ago: "Youhave to see what comes next"

I am going to miss Sheila and Rachel very much. Mom will come to see me and Kris… well I'm sure we will see each other at special holidays.

Here's the funniest part of all: I was packing up the office and I found a $50 gift card to Outback. Hey Ettie, guess where we are having Christmas dinner?