Hate Me – March 2006

Im so terrified to look at the IM logs or to open the archived emails. My entire body shakes at the very thought of seeing the words and phrases, and then hear them put to music. The Audio Thief has struck once again, and I come upon his crime by happenstance.

It used to be that the Thief would throw the evidence at me like a monkey throwing poo at the glass window. He instinctively knows not to throw stones. Yet he was ensured I knew what he had done and how he had done it. It scared me just as much then as it does now, but this time it seems different. Im scared because this time the evidence wasnt thrown in the usual manner. Instead its lying around in heaps of IM archives and email archives and journal entries, not locked away in the Vault.

And I was so arrogant in my belief that it was curiosity over the Dumb Engineer that he wandered back onto the IM list. Silly Me. He is busy promoting now. Of course hes back on the radar. Of course he knows I will eventually hear, make the connection, and then, inevitably, freak out.

My god, when you said you were sorry, sorry for involving me in all the things you had done for your own gain, financial and otherwise, I had no idea what you were up to. I cant imagine that you thought I knew what you were doing. Now I get it. 3 years later I get it.

Not that this changes anything. We will still remain apart. You can produce as much as you want, it doesnt change a thing.

That is why I am not going to read the logs, or the emails or the journals. Because it doesnt change a thing.