Dead Flowers on the Doorstep – February 2007

For the past 5 years, I have been a devoted DirecTV subscriber. It would be an understatement to say I have formed an intimate relationship with my TiVo. Unfortunately, I have rented a condo that has a blocked view of the South Eastern Sky, and an HOA that forbids satellite dishes on the roof. Alas, I am cut off from my orbital entertainment and confined to earth-based television.The upside to this shift in perception is that I am forced to view my surroundings from a completely different paradigm.  Maybe pulling my head out of the clouds and firmly planting my thoughts on the floor of the desert valley is a good thing.

Then again, maybe not. I can't relate to earth-based television.

The clarity this move has brought me is quite stunning, and yes, very disturbing. I have started to wonder what it would be like to live free in all the aspects of my life. Looking down the hill on the lights and the beauty of the Strip at night, I have begun to wonder... what if?

I have begun to question the validity of friendships and the requisite drama that comes with them. I am more cynical about religion and the religious. And most disturbing, I have begun to wonder what it would be like to live my life as if I were the nefarious woman so many people believe me to be.

I have always believed  I had a terrible poker face.Each and every time the gossip mill starts it's engine, I am underestimated. At first it was disappointing. Now, as I look out over the valley, I realize the inner Me is so much more evil and cunning, there is no way the rumor machine could possibly know or anticipatemy next move.  I am aghast at the new found ability to not only recognize what I am capable of, but also how close to becoming her that a really am.

Take for example the Holiday season of 2004, when I was accused of harboring violent tendencies towards the Audio Thief. It would be two full years, 24 long months, before I would learn the genesis of those accusations. What troubles me is not the accusations themselves, but that the idea of impending violence against him never crossed my mind.

I feel cheated now, of an opportunity to bring harm which was wildly anticipated, talked about, built up and whipped into a frenzy. An opportunity to bring harm, without repercussion. I was cheated out of a free ticket without consequence.

But… because I am not that woman, and I had never considered being that woman, it never even occurred to me to bring harm, or impose myself forcefully and violently upon him.

Ah but those who know me are very well aware that my intellect would have precluded an act so bereft of personalization. Now, if the dead flowers somehow were placed inside the house… that would have been far more sinister, far more threatening, and far more representative of my abilities.

Especially if they were placed in the very location where I broke the glass, dragging his mind back to that night 'behind the water slide' and his thoughts back to the night when 'land and time is left to float away'. My act of violence would tear at the tissue of the mind, and rip at the flesh of memory. Certainly, it would strike closer than the doorstep of an entry never used.

I guess the point is, this valley has made me consider possibilities that have never occurred to me before. The paradigm, like the view, has changed.

This desert has been calling politely for at least 3 years. Now, I feel like patience ran out and I have been dragged across the desert by my hair.

I find myself living on the edge of civilization and I have never been happier. The move here was probably the most frightening thing I have done in over 20 years. I still don't know how to feel about this move to Las Vegas, other than I can't help to get the queasy feeling that I am dealing directly with a deity who will one day require a sacrifice from me on a scale I have not yet experienced. The very real truth is that this move is all I've got. Every chance I have taken since December 15, 2006 has paid off. Every gamble has been a winning hand. And yet, it's the only move, the only card, I have had. There was no other option than the path I have taken.

Why am I being pushed into the desert? It's not like this environment is foreign to me, I grew up in this type of setting. So the move is not completely out of character. There is a direct correlation to the desert, and to Las Vegas. My grandparents owned property in Perris California, and I went with them to the desert regularly. I grew up in Death Valley, Victorville, Barstow, Baker. My mother went to school here in Las Vegas, my grandparents owned a bar off the strip.

Maybe it has something to do with being happy. When one is content, and the tiresome burden of melancholy frees the imagination to wander, there seem to be no boundaries. There is no telling who I will become as I settle into my hillside condo. I do know that sitting on my favorite couch and gazing out over the sparkling color of the valley below has brought me more happiness than I could have ever imagined.