The Last of the Amazons - Steven Pressfield

June 30, 2009



The story behind this book in the journey of my "new life" is really quite amazing... at least for me. It came at a cross roads in my life that changed me in a way that only reaching The Garden could ever have done.

It validated me. It validated what I believe and how I had been living my life since leaving the Air Force. More than just the research I had been doing at the time on Shielding and Protecting, but also that of loyalty and faith.

There are those of us, women in the world, who don't know anything other than freedom. We are reminded often that freedom is not the inherent right of other women, but that the very idea of it being a "gift" and not a god-given right, is such a foreign concept that it renders us shocked.

The English Teacher introduced me to Pressfield's Amazons, knowing it had the imagery and historical reference to incite my guilty pleasure of all thing literature. And of course.... Hecate.

The notion, the very taboo of the Captive Woman being true to her Clan, her Kind, Her Sisters, no matter the cost is too delicious. Women Bonding and protecting that Bond, protecting each other. This concept is being explored by a class I am hosting right now, and I am reminded of Bond shared by the Amazons. Even when they knew their Queen had run off with the Enemy King, and had lied to all of them and claimed to be kidnapped, they stuck by her. Even when one was abandoned in Captivity, they still launched raid after raid to bring her home to the Tribe.

The idea of shame had nothing to do with gender or body or sex. Shame was about failure, repeated failure, consistent failure. The inability to "think outside the box". The concept, as we know it in society today, was completely foreign.

The "War of the Sexxes" known as Feminism has ended. The battle ended at least a generation ago, and we won. Deal with it. There are at leat 2 generations of women in the world today who have been raised without limits. They have never heard the words "Oh Honey, girls can't do that". Title IX was over in the 80's. Women in Combat was over in 83.

These women don't know what life is like without total freedom, they live without shame, with out limitations. So when something like the Burqa is introduced, or sinful gender - the very idea of being sinful because of one's sexual genitalia - this is shocking and outrageous. It is foreign and invokes terror - fear of being Captive, of being forced into a cage. We rail against it and fight to stay clear, very clear, of anything that might resemble this foreign terror.

Recently, I wandered around for about 2 weeks, thinking, what am I doing? My Tribe was being - something bad was happening to my tribe - and I resisted the Amazon response. I decided to give into the social order of the Captive Land and play the game. It didn't work. Now I am forced to show the Amazon, because What would Antiope do for Selene? What would Selene do for Antiope? It is not about the romantic concept of chivalry and heroism. It is a very specific statement about Bonds.

Amazons only give up when they are dead. They never back down from the defense of their Tribe. I had to remind myself that on a spiritual path, it is not just what you claim to believe that matters, it's what you present as your beliefs publicly.

The taboo that lingers even in our free society around Women and their Bond is suffocating. The indignant and violent reactions that manifests in society when one woman stands for another and says "Bring it on" is overwhelming. The relationship must be suspect, there must be jealousy, there must be lesbians! They must be man-haters.

I know the book has multi-faceted sentimental value to me, so of course I am biased. However I do think it made me more aware of how important it is to be loyal - to your Gods, your Tribe, your Self. Choosing freedom over captivity. Choosing to accept the bounty of the Feminist battles and embracing the joys of free society. But most importantly, standing by those beliefs and those choices.

The spiritual impacts of loyalty are tremendous. but that's another blog.....

Read the book - it's very interesting!

The Year of the Kill and Sustainable Food Production

In a recent post  on Internet Privacy I mentioned that I had only recently seen The Social Network, the story of Facebook.  You have no idea the number of shocked gasps of disbelief I have received from people who know me In Real Life (IRL) that I have only seen the movie in the past 30-60 days.

You see, for any one who has known me since the late 1990’s, it goes without saying that the Internet was my Social Outlet.  I started “blogging” before the new terminology caught on, before WordPress, at the dawn of Live Journal.  My social network began with the design of my Endometriosis web pages which I seeded all over the Internet on free “homepage” sites.  I joined Bulletin Boards, Discussion Forums, and Groups, each one configured with personal signatures containing links to the various sites.  By 1999 I had multiple sites with Endometriosis, personal hobbies, and creative writing.

Until MySpace, and then eventually Facebook, emerged, my social network existed in a FrontPage Web Diagram complete with Link Libraries, Graphics pages and external destinations.  My email box was categorized by Web Page, Forum or BBS.  I managed my network and controlled what was broadcast.  One of the key features of my social network was that it was completely separate from my real life (RL).  While the size and scope of the internet has not changed, the population has grown.  People I only knew IRL were suddenly “on line”.  I had to become more and more diligent in my network management.  One of the methods I used to manage my network was to limit who was on my social network portals like MySpace and Facebook.  I made a rule that only people whom I knew personally IRL would be allowed onto the portals, everyone else remained on their respective BBS, Forum or Group.  I had estimated that of my RL friends, only a small percentage would actually find me on the Internet outside of those portals.

Now that Facebook is the preeminent Social Network, the lines have blurred.  Facebook especially has been instrumental in teaching the populace how to effectively use the internet.  That space which used to be separate from Real Life is all but evaporated in the ether, and the make believe world of the web is no longer the fantasy realm it once was.  At the same time, the isolation of just you and the keyboard remains, the interpersonal exchange of real life such as voice inflection and facial expression is still missing.  The result has been dialogue without context, a feeling of instant information without any reference to circumstance, or history.  Our interpersonal relationships have become Commercial just like our Food Consumption.

Through my Internet connections, I was introduced to people and ideas which I had not considered.  One of those ideas was sustainable food production.  Since I am a Beach City Girl, this idea was only known to me on the basis of the local Farmer’s Market held every week in the city.  This was not sustainable food to me, it was a weekly treat of fresh vegetables, fruits and other “luxury” foods we city folks pay a premium for at the gourmet shops around town.  The idea of raising pigs, goats and chickens for food production was something only commercial farms do, right?

In the past 3 years, I have participated in the killing, slaughtering, cooking and eating of an animal.  A goat and a pig.  Both occasions had families present, and both occasions had multiple conversations about the slaughtered animal, and how this particular animal is just like the one we buy at the grocery store.  In the past 3 years, the meat I consume has never tasted better.  I have a new appreciation for where my food comes from.  But that is not how quite a few of the people I know see it.  I have been demonized for the practice, suffered name calling and had righteous opinions hurled at me.

• There is an industry which provides meat for consumption, it is simply unnecessary to slaughter your own food.


• Actual concerns and indignation that children were present and being taught the “ugly truth” about meat consumption.


• Numerous accusations of barbarism, of how disgusting I am, of how irresponsible I am and of course, how cruel I am to participate in the murder of a helpless animal.

All of these words thrown at me by people who eat meat regularly.

Now that our Friend Mark has designated his 2011 the Year of the Kill, maybe more people will start to think beyond the Styrofoam tray wrapped in cellophane and really digest the source of their food.  While taking Mark Zuckerberg’s approach is a bit extreme, it certainly adds much needed attention to a much needed industry.  There are so many great local farmers across the country that could use this boost in profile and revenue.  There is the education of young people on the source of their food beyond the pocket book of their parents.

Roasting a whole pig or goat is a very large undertaking.  Families and Friends get together, work together to buy, slaughter, roast and eat the animal.  If every family spent one summer vacation organizing a pig or goat roast, the social interaction, the friendship bonds and the overall impact to the families would be astounding.  It would bring a sense of reality back to the society who uses the distance of Facebook to maintain their relationships.

In all honesty, the best thing to have happened to the Sustainable Food Production industry is the mainstream media going on and on about Mark Zuckerberg killing animals to eat.

If Only…..

If the VP of Finance had kept his promise to me, we would never have gotten divorced. The condition of our reconciliation was that we leave California all together and we move to Chicago. His 2 sisters wanted him home, my sister was there and needed support, my Nephews & Niece were there and his Niece & Nephews were there, it made sense for us to repair our marriage with the support of our families.

We reconciled in Chicago in August 2001. He had moved there in May 2001 when we separated because he could not bear to be in the same city as me. His youngest sister took him in and he was repairing his life. By August when I flew out to visit my sister, he had been in therapy for 2 months and was working part time. We met in Lakeview on the North Side of Chicago and walked the tree line streets. We went to Wrigley Field and walked around a street fair. I still have the wax gargoyle, the book of poetry and the scarf/halter top be bought me in Chicago.

He was a changed man. He had returned to the VP of Finance that I fell in love with 7 years prior; the man who saved my life, who took care of me and who loved me. I fell in love all over again in those few days with him. We agreed to move to Chicago by October at the very latest ahead of the Winter Snow. His sisters were screening houses for us in the Lakeview area. I insisted we move to that neighborhood because he was obviously himself there. I got my husband back. If keeping him in an environment where he was happy and himself meant that I move to Chicago to keep my husband and save my marriage, then so be it. I loved him dearly.

Three weeks after my return from my Chicago vacation, the VP of Finance returned to California, returned to my bed, returned to our marriage. The purpose of him returning was to help me pack up and move the house to Chicago. His sister continued to screen and view houses while we packed and I found a job out there. Our target date was October 1, and we were both scheduling phone interviews with companies based in Chicago.

On September 11, the Twin Towers were attacked and destroyed in New York City. It changed everything. The Aerospace Industry crashed due to the use of Commercial Airlines in the attack. The downstream effect this had on the Manufacturing Industry at large, and the trickledown to Suppliers was overwhelming. Jobs were drying up, unemployment skyrocketed and we did not move to Chicago.

I kept pushing through January 2002, but it was useless. There were no jobs, the housing market in Chicago was booming – it was impossible. We remained in the green house in Manhattan Beach, we remained in California. We went to Chicago again for the Christmas and New Year's Holidays in December 2002. I tried pushing again to move back to Chicago, but by then he had become resolute in remaining in California. By February 2003, he had gotten into an argument with his youngest sister's husband and it caused a rift in his relationship with his family. Ho no longer wanted to move back, he wanted us to remain in the green house in Manhattan Beach. Where he was miserable, angry, and depressed.

When I broke my ankle in March 2003 it was the final straw. He snapped. In 2 short weeks he returned to the nasty mean angry emotionally & verbally abusive man I through out of my bed just one year earlier. In April, with a cast on my foot, I left him and drove to my mother's house. I stayed there for a week. She convinced me to return home and I told her it was pointless. She begged me. He begged me. So I went home. Within a week we had another fight. I called my mother and told both her and the VP of Finance that when the cast came off I was leaving. Period.

The cast came off in May and we attended the Renaissance Pleasure Faire with my Family on closing weekend. I was still looking for apartments; he was sleeping in the office; mom was telling me my ankle was too weak for me to move out.

Then the Audio Thief emailed me the first week of June.

I had used Divorce Wizards to draw up the divorce papers in 2001. I revised them, updated them, and we had them Notarized. On June 30, 2003 I went down to the Los Angeles Superior Court and I filed them. I called Divorce Wizards from the court house steps and gave them my Case Number.

The next day, July 1, 2 things happened. The VP of Finance moved out, and I received email confirmation of the legal separation pending divorce with a final decree date of January 20, 2004. I handed him the legal separation papers as he carried the last box out of the house. He had 30 days to contest the Divorce, otherwise it would be awarded by the courts and the decree issued as stated. He took no action. We were legally divorced 6 months later.

If only we had moved to Chicago.

We never would have gotten divorced.

We would have stayed in love and stayed married.

If only he had kept his promise to me.

This past January we have been divorced 7 years. We were married for 10.