Sordid Woman Delirious
Behind Garden Produce
Picture Their Crush
Raw But Languid
Showing posts with label Poetry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Poetry. Show all posts
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Love Letter to a Poet
The Guardian, Centurion, the Gestapo of my heart. She inspects all, she watches all, and rarely allows anyone to tread across the front lawn of my Heart's Home. Her ego is slightly bruised because you snuck in when she was digging thru her purse for that ever elusive cigarette lighter.
My Heart sits in her lovely home waiting, knowing there is someone out there capable of touching her soul. Someone not afraid to dive into her world head first, undeterred, un-intimidated.
She hides scars, defects, the ugly parts, in a closet at the back of the laundry room. That dark cold room where you usually keep ancient linens and last year’s Christmas napkins. The people who come in and out of this home are sorely disappointed when they find this room, as though it were placed there conspiratorially and deceptively by The Gestapo of My Heart. It is always there, you pass it every time you go into the Laundry Room, which is often in a home like this one. Why would it be necessary to point out the obvious? My heart has better things to ponder, like how to replicate the brown of your eyes into a marvelous and lustrous paint, and what could she use that paint on?
She has no use for telling you that there is a small but significant twist to the Laundry Room Door, because you already know the trick to opening the door carefully, and it would only insult your intelligence and bruise your ego. Besides which she wants to know what you think about when you are pondering pansies. (The flowers not the weaklings.) She's far too busy remembering the time she listened to you breathe in the pre-dawn hours of a misty morning in Spring.
It scares me that my heart actually considers examining these things about you. The Guardian is frantically pacing the perimeter, chain smoking and wringing hands. These emotions float by, and I know from experience that you will vanish into the abyss just as miraculously as you surfaced.
Twice I have loved unconditionally, and twice I was rejected. Twice I gave up my self in the name of financial security and twice I walked away in search of soul nourishment.
Ahead of All Parting. That's the name of my favorite works on Rilke. I wonder sometimes if anyone reading that title can appreciate what it really means, what it could mean contextually. I have stayed well ahead of all my partings. I've been the rejecter before being rejected. I've strived to no avail to be - to live up to the image he has of me, he had of me, they want of me. I have learned that remaining true to my heart, my soul, my self, always results in rejection.
I simply will not give up me to be loved by you. And so I stay ahead of the parting. We forever sit on the front porch, you forever sit on the front porch, never entering even the living room.
It has officially taken me 2 and one quarter hours to write this. How you make me struggle. How the Centurion baits me with distractions, tossing a lyric here, an image there. Any thing to stop the words from bleeding out of my mind.
The unconscious things I do ..... the subconscious decisions I make ...... all designed to steer you gently away from this house, this porch, this woman ..... are completely and utterly lost, because you silently step over them or around them. You made eye contact with the girl in the house, for just a brief moment, but long enough for her to see you ....
It is not fear when I refuse to feel afraid. Does it not then follow that it is not love if I refuse to feel? And how long could I keep that charade going? Would hours bleed into weeks bleed into years ....... or does the bleeding eventually stop and I am forced to accept my fate.
I admit I am afraid. I am scared. When one is counting days, how many is enough to say Yes?
You asked WHY?
Because I need to feel, I need someone to see me. Because I need to know that the worst pain I could ever feel is behind me, beyond me, and will never define me.
Fresh Air and Spring Flowers
March 2004
My Heart sits in her lovely home waiting, knowing there is someone out there capable of touching her soul. Someone not afraid to dive into her world head first, undeterred, un-intimidated.
She hides scars, defects, the ugly parts, in a closet at the back of the laundry room. That dark cold room where you usually keep ancient linens and last year’s Christmas napkins. The people who come in and out of this home are sorely disappointed when they find this room, as though it were placed there conspiratorially and deceptively by The Gestapo of My Heart. It is always there, you pass it every time you go into the Laundry Room, which is often in a home like this one. Why would it be necessary to point out the obvious? My heart has better things to ponder, like how to replicate the brown of your eyes into a marvelous and lustrous paint, and what could she use that paint on?
She has no use for telling you that there is a small but significant twist to the Laundry Room Door, because you already know the trick to opening the door carefully, and it would only insult your intelligence and bruise your ego. Besides which she wants to know what you think about when you are pondering pansies. (The flowers not the weaklings.) She's far too busy remembering the time she listened to you breathe in the pre-dawn hours of a misty morning in Spring.
It scares me that my heart actually considers examining these things about you. The Guardian is frantically pacing the perimeter, chain smoking and wringing hands. These emotions float by, and I know from experience that you will vanish into the abyss just as miraculously as you surfaced.
Twice I have loved unconditionally, and twice I was rejected. Twice I gave up my self in the name of financial security and twice I walked away in search of soul nourishment.
Ahead of All Parting. That's the name of my favorite works on Rilke. I wonder sometimes if anyone reading that title can appreciate what it really means, what it could mean contextually. I have stayed well ahead of all my partings. I've been the rejecter before being rejected. I've strived to no avail to be - to live up to the image he has of me, he had of me, they want of me. I have learned that remaining true to my heart, my soul, my self, always results in rejection.
I simply will not give up me to be loved by you. And so I stay ahead of the parting. We forever sit on the front porch, you forever sit on the front porch, never entering even the living room.
It has officially taken me 2 and one quarter hours to write this. How you make me struggle. How the Centurion baits me with distractions, tossing a lyric here, an image there. Any thing to stop the words from bleeding out of my mind.
The unconscious things I do ..... the subconscious decisions I make ...... all designed to steer you gently away from this house, this porch, this woman ..... are completely and utterly lost, because you silently step over them or around them. You made eye contact with the girl in the house, for just a brief moment, but long enough for her to see you ....
........ to see you.
It is not fear when I refuse to feel afraid. Does it not then follow that it is not love if I refuse to feel? And how long could I keep that charade going? Would hours bleed into weeks bleed into years ....... or does the bleeding eventually stop and I am forced to accept my fate.
I don't want somewhere to run to
I don't want somebody I can shake
Lord I want my dignity again
Before I walk on fire
You gotta look me in the face
I won't flinch
And I won't turn away
I admit I am afraid. I am scared. When one is counting days, how many is enough to say Yes?
You asked WHY?
Because I need to feel, I need someone to see me. Because I need to know that the worst pain I could ever feel is behind me, beyond me, and will never define me.
Fresh Air and Spring Flowers
March 2004
10 Things I Like About Him
He is much smarter than he pretends to be
He has nice hands
He appreciates clever alliteration
He casually drops dead-pan puns
He drinks scotch (yes, I noticed)
He's tall
He's a gentleman
He asked before he kissed me
He looks great in a hat
He appreciates “Happy Pants”
Soooooooooo, I could probably make time in my schedule to see him again; reschedule this meeting, cancel that appointment, etc, etc, etc
And the technology thing is ok.... my girlfriend broke out in a rash when her husband hooked up cable, developed hives when he installed DSL - she HATES technology!! LOL
I’m going to stop talking now and hit the "send" button
March 2004
He has nice hands
He appreciates clever alliteration
He casually drops dead-pan puns
He drinks scotch (yes, I noticed)
He's tall
He's a gentleman
He asked before he kissed me
He looks great in a hat
He appreciates “Happy Pants”
Soooooooooo, I could probably make time in my schedule to see him again; reschedule this meeting, cancel that appointment, etc, etc, etc
And the technology thing is ok.... my girlfriend broke out in a rash when her husband hooked up cable, developed hives when he installed DSL - she HATES technology!! LOL
I’m going to stop talking now and hit the "send" button
March 2004
Friday, July 16, 2010
Still
Do you still think of me?
Do you still hate me
As much as you screamed you did?
Do you still
hit Hate Women?
Do you still use your hands to hurt?
Do you still stifle her screams
With your fist?
Do you still despise her fear?
Do you still want to beat it out of her?
Do you still use your prick
As a weapon?
Do you still own the gun?
Do you still think of her
When you touch it?
Do you still hear her name
When you cock the trigger?
Do you still have the bruise
From the recoil?
Do you still smell the acrid gun smoke?
Do you still see her blood
On your hands?
Do you still fantasize about her death?
Do you still wish you had killed me?
1996
Eclipse
We sit across the table, from each other
I pull my skirt down but it just kept creeping
exposing my thigh.
Every time you look at me
my heart jumps.
Your cologne wafts about the room.
Whispers of scent
delicately dance upon my
skin sending Waves of passion
crashing through my body.
Do my features forsake me?
Is the desperation drawn across my face?
I am in love with you!
If I could
I would never leave your side.
I only want To be near you,
To see you,
To feel you
To touch you.
I don't want to miss
Anything you say, or
Anything you do.
I am completely Enchanted,
Fascinated by you.
You have
Eclipsed everything
In my universe
With your larger
Than life presence.
Wrap me in your arms - Never let me go
March 2001
Death
Passionate nights and Terror filled years
Surround me like a suffocating wall of fear
Made of Screams full of fright and
Eyes filled with tears.
Experience,
Like a rotting corpse
Lays its deteriorated fingers on my soul
Conjuring the terrors that lie beyond our imagination.
Love, That elusive Nymph
Dances on my hardened heart
Lying broken in an early grave.
May 2002
Monday, July 12, 2010
May 26, 2007
Tell him I still love him.
Remind him that I am still here
Still in love
Still waiting.
Your skin has the same scent as his skin,
But you are not him.
You taste like him,
Your saliva leaves his taste on my lips,
But when I open my eyes,
I see you are not him.
I can close my eyes
When I am in your arms
And pretend I am with him.
For a few moments
When we are together
I can pretend he is still here,
Still loving me.
Remind him that I am still here
Still in love
Still waiting.
Your skin has the same scent as his skin,
But you are not him.
You taste like him,
Your saliva leaves his taste on my lips,
But when I open my eyes,
I see you are not him.
I can close my eyes
When I am in your arms
And pretend I am with him.
For a few moments
When we are together
I can pretend he is still here,
Still loving me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)